As some of you may know, I’ve started working on my fourth book (while still working on my third book, which I guess is typical of me but a gal’s got to do what a gal’s got to do….). I’m using the opting out blog to get it written and I’ve started publishing excerpts of each chapter every month. This month is chapter two. 

The funny thing – or maybe not so funny – is that I’ve been so frustrated lately. I decided several years ago that an academic career wasn’t for me. I felt that the age-old structures and practices that make up the academic world make it so frustrating to work there, that if I could, I would rather work elsewhere. I felt like I had choices, so I did. 

But then I got sucked back in. There is a lot that I really appreciate about work in the academic world – the intellectual freedom and challenge, my colleagues, my students, the space to write… But lately the structures and practices have really had me reeling. 

Like most people, I’ve been second guessing myself. I have seriously been wondering if there is something wrong with me since I can’t help but let the structural realities, that I really can’t do very much about, bother me so much. I’ve gone so far as to ask friends and family if they think there is something wrong with me since I get so worked up. I mean everyone else seems to be doing just fine, right?

Then I sat down to write my blog post and start the second chapter of my book. I went to check my table of contents to remind myself what the second chapter was going to be about. I opened the word document and there it was. It said, It isn’t just you.

The world works in funny ways and just as I was doubting myself, an earlier version of me told me exactly what I needed to hear. I chuckled and thought to myself that I really need to listen to myself more often. 

It’s true though. This is something I hear again and again and one of the main findings of my research. When people struggle, they will often wonder if it’s just them. And you know what, more often than not, it isn’t.

The feeling that something is detrimentally wrong or that you can’t do this anymore can be a very lonely feeling. Everyone around you seems to be doing just fine while you’re filled with self-doubt and anxiety. And herein lies a clue. Everyone else seems like they’re doing just fine, but looks can be deceiving. 

I’ll bet you seem like you’re doing just fine too!

One reason we know so little about how others are doing, is that most people don’t feel like they can tell others at work when they struggle. There is very little room and patience in a lot of organizational settings for weakness or failure, which is terrible really. It is only when we can show our vulnerability, be allowed to fail and learn from our mistakes that we can really do great things at work. Organizations talk so much about employees reaching their full potential, but ironically, in a culture where vulnerability is frowned upon, we fall short. Research has shown that psychological safety and the ability to really be oneself at work, is key when it comes to creativity, innovation and, yes, reaching one’s full potential. 

What it means is that in a culture where we don’t feel safe to be vulnerable, we are also generally not very outspoken about what is really going on with us because we don’t want to risk being conceived as a trouble maker, not good enough or not having what it takes. 

In my research I have found that this is especially true for women. In a world where gender inequality is still very much a thing, women generally have to work so hard and be so good in order to be able to compete for the same jobs as men. And if they have children, there is yet another dimension. 

Having children is often considered an asset for a man, something that develops him as a person and makes him a more responsible and reliable employee. For women, on the other hand, having children can be a career limiting move. When women have children, their dedication and priorities are often questioned. As a result, they may be discriminated or ’mommy-tracked’. That is why a lot of women avoid talking about their children or any issues they may have juggling children with a career, especially at work. Not talking about it means that they have no idea anyone else is going through anything similar, which, in turn, has them feeling very isolated in their struggles but also completely oblivious of the fact that they really aren’t alone. 

And if there is anything I have seen in my research, it is that we actually do share similar experiences and struggles. All of us, both men and women. A lot of the things that we struggle with are not, in fact, individual issues that can be solved alone, but structural ones (that cannot be solved individually but we are still expected to). 

Another reason people don’t air their frustrations may be that they don’t feel like they have a lot of choices. That is one reason why most people dream of opting out but don’t actually take the step: they have trouble even imagining an alternative to what they are doing now. And if they don’t feel like they have much choice, they are bound to keep their heads down and make the best of it. You simply do what you have to do to cope. After all, people don’t generally make drastic career decision unless pushed and they don’t opt out unless they feel like it is something they just have to do because they realize that the thought of staying is scarier that jumping into the unknown.

But regardless of what the reason is, if you feel frustrated, know that you are most probably not alone. 

If every atom in your being is telling you that something just isn’t right, then it probably isn’t, at least not for you.

And if you’re an employer, you need to make a point of talking to your people. Only if you know what is really going on, can you make it better. And don’t be afraid of opening a can of worms. Not knowing, and potentially having an explosive situation on your hands because your people are secretly frustrated, is much worse in the long run. 

Trust me.

This is an excerpt from a new book I’m working on: 12 Things to Consider when Opting Out