Have you just asked?

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When difficult things happen at work, or when work stops working, leaving will often feel easier that sticking around and working it out. I’ve seen this in my research, and other studies have found this too. Quitting can be easier than confronting an employer with whatever the problem is. 

In a lot of cases this is completely understandable. If you’ve been discriminated, for example, or unfairly treated somehow, it can be daunting and costly both to your health and to your wallet to go up against an organization. Removing yourself from the situation rather than staying and hitting your head against the wall may indeed feel like the only rational choice.

But sometimes it’s not that. Maybe you’re simply so fed up with working the way you do that you just feel like you need to leave. Or maybe the way or how much you work is unsustainable. Or maybe something is going on with your boss or a colleague that is just driving you up the wall. 

You’re reluctant to raise whatever the issue with your boss. Maybe you don’t want to seem like a trouble maker. Or maybe you don’t feel like it will do any good and you don’t want to burn any bridges. It feels hard to have that conversation and you’re so reluctant to do it that it just feels easier to find something else to do instead. 

But finding and starting a new job is generally no walk in the park either.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: leaving isn’t a quick fix. 

The Great Resignation is a term that was coined when the Covid-19 pandemic triggered people to think about what work was and wasn’t doing for them. People started opting out in numbers we had never before witnessed. This you’re probably familiar with. What you may be less familiar with is that there was a study done in 2022 by Workplace Insight that found that 43% if those who quit their jobs as a part of the Great Resignation wave, actually regretted their choices and felt that they would have been better off in their old jobs. 

The reasons were reportedly things like missing co-workers, familiarity, comfort, and salary. These results could of course be problematized further, which they aren’t to any greater degree in the report. For example, we often tend to look back on past experienced with rose-tinted glasses if our current situation isn’t great. So, we need to remember that there was a reason why they left: they weren’t happy with their situations regardless of whether or not they regretted their decision afterwards.

Either way, even though we can probably assume that about half of those asked were happy with the change, the 43% that regretted their decision should probably have had that difficult conversation with their employer.

Should you?

What would happen if you did have that conversation?

What I’ve found over the years when talking to people about opting out, is that there are a lot of people who actually do have that conversation and are surprised by the positive outcome. 

Managers don’t generally want people to leave; employee retention is important for many reasons. If a manager is aware that you’re thinking about leaving, they will most probably be interested in knowing what would make you want to stay. So, if you approach your employer not only with what the problem is but also with ideas of what would make everything better, you’d think that most managers will at least hear you out. 

Besides, another thing I have found in my research is that you really can opt out without actually leaving. No, I’m not talking about quiet quitting – the phenomenon where people scale down their work so that they don’t do more than they absolutely have to. 

No, what I’m talking about is a change of mindset. 

A woman I once interviewed did exactly this. She loved working for her employer, but the way she was working was just unsustainable. It was taking a toll on her health and it was also affecting her family. She realized that something had to give or she would not be able to continue working there. 

She tried having that conversation with her boss, but he just wasn’t receptive. He was probably overwhelmed too…

She finally decided her only option was to quit and that finally woke everyone up. They didn’t want her to leave so they listened to her suggestions and she was able to continue working for the same employer, but on her own terms. 

She did opt out – she opted out of a certain, expected way of working and pursuing a career – but she also stayed.

So, are you thinking about opting out? It might very well be the right decision for you. But if you’re not sure, and if there is a lot about your job that you do like, maybe you should think about whether or not there is something that would make you want or able to stay. And if there is, ask! After all, if you already have one foot out the door, you really have nothing to lose.

This blog post is from a new book I’m working on: 12 Things to Consider when Opting Out

It isn’t just you

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As some of you may know, I’ve started working on my fourth book (while still working on my third book, which I guess is typical of me but a gal’s got to do what a gal’s got to do….). I’m using the opting out blog to get it written and I’ve started publishing excerpts of each chapter every month. This month is chapter two. 

The funny thing – or maybe not so funny – is that I’ve been so frustrated lately. I decided several years ago that an academic career wasn’t for me. I felt that the age-old structures and practices that make up the academic world make it so frustrating to work there, that if I could, I would rather work elsewhere. I felt like I had choices, so I did. 

But then I got sucked back in. There is a lot that I really appreciate about work in the academic world – the intellectual freedom and challenge, my colleagues, my students, the space to write… But lately the structures and practices have really had me reeling. 

Like most people, I’ve been second guessing myself. I have seriously been wondering if there is something wrong with me since I can’t help but let the structural realities, that I really can’t do very much about, bother me so much. I’ve gone so far as to ask friends and family if they think there is something wrong with me since I get so worked up. I mean everyone else seems to be doing just fine, right?

Then I sat down to write my blog post and start the second chapter of my book. I went to check my table of contents to remind myself what the second chapter was going to be about. I opened the word document and there it was. It said, It isn’t just you.

The world works in funny ways and just as I was doubting myself, an earlier version of me told me exactly what I needed to hear. I chuckled and thought to myself that I really need to listen to myself more often. 

It’s true though. This is something I hear again and again and one of the main findings of my research. When people struggle, they will often wonder if it’s just them. And you know what, more often than not, it isn’t.

The feeling that something is detrimentally wrong or that you can’t do this anymore can be a very lonely feeling. Everyone around you seems to be doing just fine while you’re filled with self-doubt and anxiety. And herein lies a clue. Everyone else seems like they’re doing just fine, but looks can be deceiving. 

I’ll bet you seem like you’re doing just fine too!

One reason we know so little about how others are doing, is that most people don’t feel like they can tell others at work when they struggle. There is very little room and patience in a lot of organizational settings for weakness or failure, which is terrible really. It is only when we can show our vulnerability, be allowed to fail and learn from our mistakes that we can really do great things at work. Organizations talk so much about employees reaching their full potential, but ironically, in a culture where vulnerability is frowned upon, we fall short. Research has shown that psychological safety and the ability to really be oneself at work, is key when it comes to creativity, innovation and, yes, reaching one’s full potential. 

What it means is that in a culture where we don’t feel safe to be vulnerable, we are also generally not very outspoken about what is really going on with us because we don’t want to risk being conceived as a trouble maker, not good enough or not having what it takes. 

In my research I have found that this is especially true for women. In a world where gender inequality is still very much a thing, women generally have to work so hard and be so good in order to be able to compete for the same jobs as men. And if they have children, there is yet another dimension. 

Having children is often considered an asset for a man, something that develops him as a person and makes him a more responsible and reliable employee. For women, on the other hand, having children can be a career limiting move. When women have children, their dedication and priorities are often questioned. As a result, they may be discriminated or ’mommy-tracked’. That is why a lot of women avoid talking about their children or any issues they may have juggling children with a career, especially at work. Not talking about it means that they have no idea anyone else is going through anything similar, which, in turn, has them feeling very isolated in their struggles but also completely oblivious of the fact that they really aren’t alone. 

And if there is anything I have seen in my research, it is that we actually do share similar experiences and struggles. All of us, both men and women. A lot of the things that we struggle with are not, in fact, individual issues that can be solved alone, but structural ones (that cannot be solved individually but we are still expected to). 

Another reason people don’t air their frustrations may be that they don’t feel like they have a lot of choices. That is one reason why most people dream of opting out but don’t actually take the step: they have trouble even imagining an alternative to what they are doing now. And if they don’t feel like they have much choice, they are bound to keep their heads down and make the best of it. You simply do what you have to do to cope. After all, people don’t generally make drastic career decision unless pushed and they don’t opt out unless they feel like it is something they just have to do because they realize that the thought of staying is scarier that jumping into the unknown.

But regardless of what the reason is, if you feel frustrated, know that you are most probably not alone. 

If every atom in your being is telling you that something just isn’t right, then it probably isn’t, at least not for you.

And if you’re an employer, you need to make a point of talking to your people. Only if you know what is really going on, can you make it better. And don’t be afraid of opening a can of worms. Not knowing, and potentially having an explosive situation on your hands because your people are secretly frustrated, is much worse in the long run. 

Trust me.

This is an excerpt from a new book I’m working on: 12 Things to Consider when Opting Out

Opt out or lean in – is that really the question?

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Do you remember about 10 years ago when Sheryl Sandberg, who was the COO of Facebook at the time, published her book Lean In? I think it was, in part at least, a response to the debate on women opting out, especially to the voices that celebrated the women who left high-powered careers that they felt no longer worked for them. There were a lot of people who thought of opting out as an emancipatory act, while others were very critical of women leaving the careers and power positions that feminists had fought so hard for them to have. In her book, Sandberg called on women to lean in instead and make a difference, encouraging them to dream big and overcome obstacles in order to achieve their full potential. She felt that too many women weren’t doing this and she wanted to encourage women to take their rightful seat at the table. 

Sandberg did have many good points. Women do experience obstacles that prevent them from taking a seat at the table. However, due to issues of discrimination, many women can’t get a seat no matter how much they lean in. These are important issues that need to be discussed and I applaud Sandberg for championing women and encouraging them to succeed. 

But, as a result of the book, people starting thinking about opting out and leaning in as opposites. Maybe this isn’t so strange considering that the opting out debate, until I joined it, had solely been about women who leave high powered careers to become stay-at-home moms. People thought opting out was about leaving the paid work force altogether.

It is not.

What I have found in my research is that people with careers rarely opt out to stop working altogether. Opting out isn’t about dropping out. Nor is it necessarily about downshifting, quiet quitting or doing less. It can be, but mostly it’s not about the amount of work but rather having more control over when, how and when we work. It’s about choosing to leave a certain mainstream way of pursuing a career to work and live on different terms. 

People who opt out generally do so because they come to a point where they realize that they just can’t go on the way they have. Something happens that makes them see that the way they have been working just isn’t worth it and needs to stop. It can be health reasons, not being able to be there for loved ones, a clash of values at work, an identity crisis or anything really that provides a light-bulb moment that acts as a catalyst for change. It’s like the jolt that Anthony Klotz talks about in his book Jolted.

Contrary, however, to many of the types of jolts Klotz describes in his book, the people who opt out haven’t generally thought about doing it before they actually get that light-bulb moment. None of the people I have interviewed in my research dreamed about opting out nor did any of them plan to. They were all working on their careers in earnest when they realized that something had to give. In other words, they didn’t lack ambition nor the desire to have a meaningful job or career. 

Nevertheless, they opted out. 

Another thing that has been abundantly clear in my research is that not only isn’t opting out about people who don’t want to work or ‘lean in’, it really isn’t ’just’ a women’s issue either. Opting out is rather about our workplaces, our working cultures, and the expectations that we place on our employees, regardless of gender. Having said that, experiences of work are very gendered as we, in part, place different expectations on men and women. But opting out as a phenomenon is not limited to any one gender. 

Opting out is about people. It is about people who no longer want to or can work the way they have. It’s about leaving in order to create lifestyles and solutions of work that are sustainable and it’s about doing so on your own terms.

Opting out is about opting in to lifestyles and solutions for work where you have more control over where, when and how you work. It is also entails thinking about what is important to you and what you are and are not willing to give up.

In her book, Sandberg wrote, “I have written this book to encourage women to dream big, forge a path through the obstacles, and achieve their full potential.” And then later, “I hope they [my children] end up exactly where they want to be. And when they find where their true passion lies, I hope they both lean in – all the way.”

This really is not all that different from opting out and in. In fact, I would argue that this is what a lot of people who opt out and in do. They forge a path where they can finally work or live to their full potential without the constraints of a very rigid career ideal or model. 

So yes, you can both opt out and lean in. 

If you have opted out, or if you’re thinking about it, don’t listen to the people who tell you that you’re wasting your career. There are many ways to forge a career path. If there is one thing I have learned during my own career(s), it is that there are many ways to reach the same destination. You don’t have to tread the expected path. You can make your own way and create a path and a life that works for you. We are all different, why would we all want to do things in the same way?

So contrary to what many people would have you believe, opting out does not mean dropping out or giving up on yourself or your career. It might just turn out to be a very strategic career move. Only you can know.

So no, opting out or leaning in really isn’t the question.

This is an extract from a new book I’m working on: 12 Things to Consider when Opting Out

12 things to consider when opting out

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It was at least a couple of years ago, maybe more. I was on an island in the Finnish archipelago on my annual summer holiday. One night I woke up with a start. I had dreamed about my next book and, in my sleep, I had come up with the best title. But there I was, in the middle of the night. I didn’t have single thing handy to record this amazing idea. No pencil, no note pad, no phone… not even a crinkled tissue. And you know how it is, if you don’t write it down, by morning it will be gone. 

The title was 12 things to consider when opting out. 

Well, funnily enough, I managed to will myself to remember what I thought was a catchy title and I fell back asleep and actually continued dreaming about it for the rest of the night so that, come morning, I did actually get up and write it down. Needless to say, I wasn’t very well rested…

So, this has been a book that has been on my writing to do list ever since. It fit perfectly in my plan. For the past few years I have been turning my research on opting out and in into a series of books. My first book, Opting Out and In, is on women opting out and it takes a slightly broader societal look at the phenomenon. My second book, Men Do it Too, is on men opting out and it focuses more on work and careers. My third book, that I am working on as we speak, is about what organizations can and need to do to create workplaces that people won’t long to leave. 12 things to consider would be a perfect fourth. It would take an individual approach and be for people who dream of opting out, which, according to studies, has turned out to be most of us.

At the time of the dream, I was still working on my second book, so 12 things to consider simply had to get in line. But I was excited about it and I started jotting down ideas and came up with a preliminary table of contents. I mean, I didn’t even know if 12 was the right amount. Did I even have 12 things to say about the topic? And it turned out that I did. 

But like every creative, I get filled with doubt at times. It this this really what I should be focusing on? Is this any good? Do people even want to read this? (This is the reason my mantra is ‘keep going keep going keep going’. You just have to trust the process.) And as I’ve been working on the book for organizations, I’ve started to wonder, do I even want to write this book?

After all, I’m always telling everyone that I don’t really want to coach people in opting out, I want people to have working lives that they won’t constantly long to leave. Besides, those who do dream about opting out and would be the potential readers of my book, maybe they don’t want a well-researched book of all the rational things they need to think of before opting out. Because if faced with the sense of urgency that the situation leading to opting out can entail, you may not necessarily have the time nor the patience for a sensible book on opting out. You just want to do to it, you just need to do it because you know that you simply can’t work the way you have anymore. 

So, this has been my dilemma. 

Imagine my surprise when an editor I’ve been in touch with recently mentioned a book that was just about to be published at the time, which, based on the description, seemed to be a book on opting out from an individual perspective! I threw myself on my computer to preorder the book and by now it has been published and I have it in my hands. It’s a book titled Jolted: Why We Quit, When to Stay, and Why it Matters by Anthony Klotz, the very person who actually coined the expression ‘The Great Resignation’. 

You might think that I was bummed that Klotz seemed to have beat me to it, that is, written a book for people who dream about opting out. But you would be mistaken. My initial reaction was relief; I’m off the hook. I thought, ‘wow, I don’t have to worry about whether or not I want to write the book anymore.’ But to tell you the truth, now that I’m actually reading it, I realize it isn’t actually the book I was planning to write. It’s good, but different. So maybe I should just stick to my original plan. 

In the meantime, I thought I would share with you the table of contents I developed after the night of the dream. I’m playing with the idea of just going ahead and writing this book right here on my blog. Maybe my next post could be chapter one? What do you think?

Chapter One: Opt out or lean in – is that really the question?

Chapter Two: It isn’t just you

Chapter Three: Have you just asked?

Chapter Four: How do you figure out what you want to do?

Chapter Five: Not everyone will get it and that’s okay

Chapter Six: There are many roads to the same destination

Chapter Seven: What is success anyway?

Chapter Eight: What about your partner?

Chapter Nine: What will this mean financially?

Chapter Ten: Nothing is forever

Chapter Eleven: Creating sustainable solutions for work

Chapter Twelve: Being a part of the change

Can change happen from the inside or is opting out the only option?

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My mission is to change working life as we know it. 

It is high time that we do. Studies have shown that stress-related mental health issues have sky-rocketed in the past few decades and that more than half of all global workers are unhappy in their work. Ever since the pandemic people have been opting out of their work and careers in numbers never before witnessed and many of those who haven’t actually opted out, dream of doing so. 

It is clear that something has got to give.

I opted out of a career myself about a decade and a half ago to start working on a PhD. It wasn’t something I had planned – although I had been dreaming about doing something else. I came to a point when I realized that I just had to do something about my situation. Going on the way I had was out of the question, and I needed to create a lifestyle for myself where I could live and work in a way that worked for me. It wasn’t easy – opting out never is – but in hindsight, it turned out to be a good choice. Haven’t regretted my decision for a second. 

Still, ever since I started researching opting out, it has been pretty clear to me that I don’t want to be an opting out coach. I don’t want to dedicate my life to helping others opt out too. I don’t believe that is a sustainable solution. 

Opting out isn’t easy. It’s not something people do on a whim. Most of the time it happens because a person just cannot continue living and working the way they have. It is a time of crisis, of turmoil and of searching, and, despite what influencers and the like may tell you, there are no guarantees that a person comes out of a crisis better and stronger. I don’t think we should idealize crisis as the catalyst for change it can be.  

That’s why, instead of helping people opt out, I have made it my mission to help create workplaces that people won’t feel a need to leave. I want to be involved in creating workplaces where people can thrive instead of being the sites of suffering that so many workplaces are today. This is what my research has been about. I mean, we know a lot about why people leave, but what do we really know about how to organize work so that they won’t long to leave? 

These are some of the questions my research provides answers to and I’m writing a book about it as we speak. But lately, I have been wondering if I’ve actually gotten it all wrong. Can we change workplaces from the inside or is opting out necessary? 

I remember a few years when I first met my friend and colleague Birgitta Wahlberg. She is an incredibly inspirational woman. She is a researcher and activist and she is key in changing our understanding of and laws on animal rights. She is a firebrand and an iconoclast. I met her when she was giving a talk about the shocking treatment of animals in the food industry, and she said something profound. She said that there are two ways society can change, either through crisis and devastation which forces change, or by planning and implementing the change in a controlled fashion before everything crashes. She pointed out, however, that unfortunately humanity tends to choose the former. We tend to not make big changes until we are absolutely forced to.

I think about this often. I mean, this is also it is true for individual opting out processes. People seldom opt out until they experience some sort of crisis that pushes them to do so. But does it have to be that way? And more importantly with regards to what I’m trying to achieve, does it have to be that way for organizations?

Part of the problem is that we need a systems’ shift. We need to redefine how we think about work, and we need a change not only our practices but also our actual understanding of work and of how we organize work. 

When people come to listen to me talk about my research, they generally agree with me. They agree that something has got to give. But then they go back to their organizations and it’s business as usual. It’s as if they know on an intellectual level that we need change, but they are so caught up in the system and their everyday work that being the change just isn’t on their horizon. Also, in this competitive economy, where organization work hard to survive, it is hard to be the one to break the pattern and do something differently. 

So, the question I’m struggling with is, am I naïve to think that we can do this? Can we change working life as we know it in a controlled fashion before everything crashes and burns? Do organizations even want to? 

The thing with change is that it simply doesn’t happen unless you experience some kind of light-bulb moment that makes the change feel absolutely crucial. This is what a crisis does. And acute environmental issues or health issues do among others don’t seem to be providing the light-bulb moment organizations need. But, maybe and increasing number of people refusing to stay can? A lot of people researching opting out seem to believe so. 

There are of course organizations that are already doing great things. But on the most part it is still business as usual. 

So, tell me, have I got it wrong? Can we inspire organizations to change working life as we know it? Can we create change from the inside or is that just not disruptive enough? Or should I rather be putting my energy on coaching people on how to leave? 

What do you think?

Here’s what’s wrong with the debate on remote work

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Ever since the pandemic, the debate on remote work been both fascinating and frustrating to follow. 
 
Before the pandemic, remote work was practically unheard of. Some organizations allowed it do different degrees, but on the most part it was rare. Then when the pandemic hit everything changed overnight. People weren’t allowed into the office and all of a sudden work that had been considered impossible to do remotely turned out not only to be possible, but actually worked quite well. People realized, that working from home offered a lot of flexibility and now, post-pandemic, most employees don’t want to stop doing it – at least part of the time.
 
Employers, on the other hand, feel differently, which really isn’t very surprising. Research has shown that managers found remote work during the pandemic to be much harder than other employees did. They couldn’t fall back on old management routines but had to come up with new ways of managing their teams when team members were no longer right there in front of them.
 
Now, post-pandemic, organizations have been trying to call their employees back to the office with varying success and some have even abolished the possibility of working remotely altogether. Employers argue that face time is crucial for innovation and development as well as for new recruits, which is true, but getting people to want to come into the office is still challenging. Some organizations set rules for when you have to be in the office, but no matter what they decide, people still aren’t happy. 
 
The on-going debate has been very black and white. Is remote work good or bad? Should people be allowed to do it or not? Yes or no? There are arguments for both sides that are valid, but the debate doesn’t really seem to be going anywhere. That is because it’s missing the point.
 
First of all, one problem is thinking about remote work in terms of how we used to think about work when everyone came into the office. Yes, it is true that innovation suffers if people don’t engage enough with each other. But this isn’t actually a problem of remote work, but rather an issue of leadership. If people work remotely, we need to make sure we create opportunities for collaboration and innovation. This is fully possible. We need to make sure we have routines for including new recruits in the community so that they feel welcomed and become part of the team. It doesn’t happen automatically just because we’re in the same building, but it certainly doesn’t happen if we don’t consciously make it happen when working remotely.  We need new routines for leadership and organization. Just like during the pandemic, we – both managers and employees – need to do things differently to make it work. 
 
The other thing that frustrates me is how organizations go about deciding what their policy for remote work should be. It seems that no matter what they decide, people are unhappy. What strikes me is that most organizations fail to see that remote working practices and policies are a question of organizational culture and any changes made with regards to ways of working should be treated as any organizational change. 
 
In order to get people on board with change you have to involve them in that change. On the one hand, you have to allow them to create their own understanding of why the change is necessary and, on the other, you have to let them be a part of the solution. If they actually feel the need to change and have been involved in developing new solutions and routines, they will naturally also be committed to them. 
 
The same goes for remote working practices. Those of you who grapple with this, have you talked to your employees about it? Have you asked them what their needs are? Have you involved them in thinking about what it is you want to achieve as an organization or as a team and what they best way to go about it is? It’s not just a question of how many days to work on and off site. It’s a question of what needs to be done how to best create solutions to achieve that. 
 
Some say people simply don’t want to come into the office anymore, but this really isn’t true. It’s just that they don’t want come in if they don’t feel like there is any point. People have seen what a positive impact working remotely can have on their lives and their wellbeing. 
 
Experiences change us and we can’t go back to the way it was before the pandemic. We can only move forward. Remote and hybrid work are here to stay in one form or another, and that is not a bad thing. They are an excellent way to provide employees with more flexibility and to create sustainable lifestyles and solutions for work. Office work isn’t a thing of the past either. 
 
We can figure this out, but we need to think about work a bit differently than we’re used to.

It wasn’t your fault

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My husband and I were recently in beautiful Prague for a weekend getaway. One thing I love about spending alone time with him is all our interesting conversations. We have the best conversations. He is genuinely interested in what I think about things and I really appreciate his points of view. 

One particular conversation I want to tell you about was when we were in a taxi in Prague on the long ride from the airport to the city center. We were talking about some mutual acquaintances when I suddenly remembered an experience from years ago when I was still a student. I was at a party. It was before we were married, but my husband and I were already a thing then. Still, he wasn’t at that particular party. 

I remember it was fun party. I was surrounded by friends and people I liked and we were all having a really good time. Then, hours into the party, I suddenly found myself on the floor with a guy, one of the mutual acquaintances my husband and I were talking about in that taxi in Prague, on top of me. I was pinned down by his body and he was kissing me on the neck. When I think back, I think about how absurd the whole situation was. I’m not even sure how I ended up on the floor on my back because it all happened so fast. But there I was and I couldn’t move because of his weight. 

Luckily, this all happened in the middle of the crowd and not somewhere secluded in another room because people immediately came to my rescue and pulled him off me. And then the party just when on like nothing. But it did make me very uncomfortable. It was not my habit to make out with other guys at parties when my then boyfriend-now husband wasn’t there. And after that, things were never really the same between my then friend-now acquaintance and me. I would shudder whenever I thought about it.

I must have not ever mentioned it to anyone because fast forward almost 30 years, when my husband talks about this particular mutual acquaintance of ours in the taxi on the way to Prague and I mention it, he is shocked. I ask, haven’t I ever told you about this before? He says, no you haven’t!

So, I tell him about it. 30 years seem to make it easier to talk about, but I wonder why I haven’t ever mentioned it before.

Well, thinking about it, I do actually know why. I never mentioned it before because I was embarrassed. I wondered whether it was my fault. Had I done something to encourage this guy? Had I done something to suggest I wanted to make out on the floor in the middle of the party? Had I done something to provoke the whole situation? If I had, I certainly didn’t want anyone to know about it. I was mortified. 

Now, almost thirty years later, I know that it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do. I was just being me and I was not responsible for this other person’s choices and actions. I thought he was my friend. I thought he was my husband’s friend. We were surrounded by a bunch of other friends and we were all having fun. I wasn’t asking to be tackled to the floor and slobbered on.

But this speaks to a bigger problem in society. The problem is that we almost never talk to men and boys about how not to assault women sexually. But we do spend a lot of time and energy telling girls and women what and what not to do, how and how not to act, how and how not do dress, and where and where not to go in order to not get sexually assaulted.

It’s like we think men can’t control themselves, so we work with the women instead.

So, when you think about it, when a woman or girl does get sexually assaulted it isn’t very surprising if her first thought is maybe it was my fault? 

Women can do and say all the ‘right’ things and still get assaulted. But even if they don’t. Even if they break all the so-called rules on how to act and dress in order to be safe, sexual assault is still not okay. 

Sexual assault is never okay. Sexual assault is always the responsibility and fault of the person committing the assault.

So, no, it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do. And I was lucky; it didn’t lead to anything worse because I was surrounded by people who helped me. Not everyone is that lucky. 

But if you’re reading this and wondering the same thing, please know that it really wasn’t anything you did or did not do. 

It wasn’t your fault. 

Nonsense work – let’s stop doing it! 

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I read an article the other day about nonsense work. This is the type of work that is completely unimportant and meaningless; work that no one notices or cares about. According to the article it can be things like selling products that no one wants or writing reports that no one needs. And it is very problematic because, as you can imagine, it is demoralizing, anxiety inducing, and chips away at your motivation and energy. 

Understandable. 

People generally want to live meaningful lives. No, you don’t have to love your job. A lot of people go to work just to get a pay check so that they can follow a passion outside of work. That’s fine. But if what you do is completely meaningless, it’s bound to have an impact on your sense of worth. 

It got me thinking. Nonsense work doesn’t necessarily only have to be about work that is completely meaningless. Also, for those of us with jobs that we find deeply meaningful, there can be elements of nonsense. But if there is a very big dose of it and if the degree of nonsense is disproportionately high, this nonsense work and the frustration it triggers really starts to get to you. 

One thing that I’ve learned on my own opting out and in journey, is that there tends to be a lot of nonsense work in the academic world. In Finland, we have very strict laws concerning universities and what they do. This means that there need to be operating procedures and routines that uphold the law. Unfortunately, as a result, a lot of academic organizations create routines that are astonishingly bureaucratic. 

This includes things like logging on to a program to click a button once a month confirming that you have indeed worked that month (preempted by an email from admin reminding everyone to do this plus reminder emails to remind those who forgot despite the initial reminder email). Then line managers go in and click to approve the initial click, approving hours that have been added by HR but are arbitrary because they do not reflect all the extra hours or weekend work that being an academic entails. And I’m sure there are reminder emails written for line managers too but that I don’t really know anything about because I’m not a line manager myself. 

Did I lose you? 

Don’t worry, understanding the minutiae of how I report my working hours isn’t the point here. It’s just one example of the nonsense work I do. 

Now, I do know that there are different ways of both interpreting and upholding the law. Things don’t have to be quite that bureaucratic in order to follow the rules. There are simpler ways (and this also includes reporting working hours). However, after about a decade and a half in the academic world, I also know that there isn’t much hope for me to change this in my own place of work. That in itself would be quite a formidable exercise in bureaucracy. 

But there is hope for you!

When faced with a task that takes time and energy, but that feels completely superfluous, question it. Does it really have to be this way? Is it really adding any value at all? Or is it just a complete waste of time?

If you answered no, no and yes, change it!  Let’s focus on more real work and less nonsense! 

Your people will thank you. Your organization will thank you.

Why are there so many bad bosses?

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Well, I can think of a few reasons. First of all, being a boss is hard. Leading a team or an organization takes skill. 

You may have heard the statement that people don’t leave companies, they leave bad bosses. Well that isn’t always true, but what is true is that a bad boss is one of the main reasons, if not the main reason, that people leave. And as we know, ever since the pandemic, people have been opting out in droves, and work-related mental health issues are at an all-time high. According to The Mental Health at Work Report 2022, three in four employees are experiencing mental health issues at work. 

But first, I want to say that there are a lot of really great bosses out there. For some it comes more naturally, and others have to work harder for it, but they are out there. The problem is just that there are a lot of bad bosses too, and bad bosses, without meaning to or even being aware of it, can really cause a lot of harm. 

So how do people become bosses in the first place? Often it is from being really good at what they do. A person without leadership responsibilities might be excelling at their job and then get awarded for that with a promotion to lead the team. So, a salesperson, for example, who is a wizard at sales is made head of the sales team because they are so darned good at selling. But being a wizard at sales is no guarantee that you are going to be any good at leading a team, or that you even like doing it. Do you see what I mean?

And there is a lot of prestige associated with leadership roles and having people report to you. So, people often accept the raise and the status without maybe thinking about what it really entails. 

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, but people do get leadership training to support them in their role. Yes, this is true, some do some don’t. And leadership training certainly helps. I encourage everyone who is in a leading position to get leadership training. 

But there is also something about our working cultures that doesn’t exactly foster the kind of skills and routines that you need to connect with your people.  In fact, studies have shown that there is a growing sense of disconnection in our workplaces and people are feeling lonelier than ever.

Organizational cultures tend to encourage us to push forward, be competitive and not show emotions. Business is business, right? It isn’t personal.

Wrong.

Business is personal. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s highly personal because we (employees) make up the business and we are all people. But because of this norm, we are encouraged to keep our personal lives separate and not show emotions at work, or at least only show the ‘right’ emotions. But, the thing is that what happens in our personal lives deeply affects how we act and perform at work. And vice versa, naturally. Also, when people aren’t allowed to bring their real, whole selves to work, it makes it really hard for them to realize their full potential. 

This is because we are whole human beings and as much as we are encouraged or would like to leave parts of our selves at the door, that’s actually not how it works. 

I just finished a book, HumanForce: The Power of Emotions in the Changing Workplace, and the author, Natalie Boudou, hits the nail on its head again and again. She talks about how we need stronger, more intelligent workplaces and how a strategy of greater emotional intelligence and openness is the key to successful leadership. It turns out that compassion and emotion, traditionally thought of as soft, fluffy bunny issues and words not generally used in conjunction with work, are in fact strategic issues that provide the key to healthy, creative, productive and competitive work places. 

Leaders simply need to be emotionally intelligent. If this doesn’t come naturally to you, and for most people it probably doesn’t, you need to work on it. It’s an acquired skill. And if you are a boss or a leader, you need to want to be around your people and connect with them. If you do, you will have a better sense of what they are going through and a better understanding of their needs, which will help you adapt your leadership style to different people in different situations. If you don’t, you’re not really being a leader. 

P.S. Read the book! You can find it here.

On working in places where practices go against your values, and deciding that you can’t

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People opt out for a number of reasons. Yes, the dream and pull of a new lifestyle that is more sustainable and where you can live and work on your own terms plays in. But truth be told, it is the push of a job that you no longer can or want to do, for whatever reason, that actually makes you take the step. 

In my research I have found that more often than not it is values, or the clash of values, that becomes the tipping point. It can be values regarding anything really, but I’ve found that it often has to do with the ethical treatment of others, both humans and non-humans. 

People come to a point when they realize that they just can’t stand for whatever it is their employer is doing. 

That was the case last time I left a job. Especially with the research I do and everything I stand for regarding sustainable work, ethical and respectful treatment of others, and wellbeing, I just couldn’t continue working for an organization that didn’t seem to care about any of that. 

I’m not going to get into the details right now because there are just too many for a blog post, but I had been mistreated myself and I saw how much suffering there was around me and I realized that if I accept this and just go on as if nothing had happened, it would be hypocritical. I can’t accept crap for myself that I tell others has no place in the organizational sphere. Or any sphere, really. 

So I left. And I’m no alone. A clash of values and a sense of disillusionment are reasons why many people leave. And the fact of the matter of is, values are important and they are just getting more so with every new generation that enters the work force. 

Research has shown that one thing that sets gen z workers apart from previous generations is that values play a much bigger role for them in relation to work and money. They generally want more than to just make money and also have higher expectations on their employers. They have sites where they compare notes and don’t want just any job, but one that is aligned with their values. 

Sometimes older generations will roll their eyes at this but I think they are right to expect more from their employers. I think one reason why so many work places are sites for so much suffering is that we haven’t expected enough. 

So don’t underestimate the importance of values.

Besides, research has also shown that ethical treatment of others – both those inside and outside the organization – is good for business. It’s good for the bottom line. But as I tell my students, using this as an argument to get organizations to act more ethically is really quite problematic. Because what if it turns out that it really isn’t a game changer? What if the bottom line is good enough without treating others well, is it still okay then not too?