Category Archives: Opting out

How do you figure out what you want to do?

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This is the chapter (in my book 12 Things to Consider When Opting Out) that I’m most reluctant to write. It’s also the question I get the most from people who long to opt out of their jobs or careers. The reason I’m reluctant is that I tell myself, and others, that I am not, nor do I want to be, an opting out coach. Instead of helping people opt out, I want to help organizations become places where employees won’t spend all their time longing to leave.

At the same time – the more I think of it – one doesn’t exclude the other. Yes, we need to work with organizations and their working cultures, but we also need to remember the power employees have to be firebrands and agents of change.

Most people I talk to who have opted out, don’t realize what their role is in the grand scheme of things. For them, opting out is more often than not a personal journey towards coherence, authenticity and wellbeing. They don’t realize that they also play a role in changing the way we understand work. 

In addition, organizations, like people, seldom change unless there is a pressing need – unless they have had that lightbulb moment and have realized that something just has got to give. Employees opting out can therefore be an important part of that wake-up call for organizations. Employee retention is strategic for multiple reasons and if people start leaving, organizations will have no choice but to take notice.

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I can be both. Helping people understand what they want to do, how they want and need to organize their work, and what they are and aren’t willing to give up, is actually part and parcel of my greater mission: changing working life as we know it. 

So how do you go about figuring out what you should do next? 

People often ask me what the men and women I have interviewed in my research started doing after they opted out, thinking that maybe they could try it too. Unfortunately, there is no instant, easy formula for opting out and in. Every opting out and in journey is individual and personal and some people opt out of jobs that other people long to opt into. 

There are, however, things to consider and first steps to take:

Not so much what but how and with whom: 

One thing I have found is that it isn’t actually so much about what you do but rather how you do it and with whom. The people you surround yourself with are key. You may have a job doing something you love, but if your colleagues are difficult to work with, you will most likely be miserable. On the other hand, if your colleagues are great, you will most likely love working with them even if it isn’t your dream job. So sometimes it’s not what you’re doing that is the problem, but where and with whom. Or maybe you love what you’re doing, it’s just the way you are expected to work that isn’t working for you. Maybe you just need to think about how to organize your work and what your terms are for you to be able to continue doing what you’re doing. 

What have you really liked about your previous and current jobs?

One thing I have done in the past when I have really felt like I needed to do something else but not known what, is to make a list of all the things in my current and previous jobs that I have liked or loved doing, that have felt meaningful, that have given me energy, and that I wished I could do more of. It provided me with important clues as to what kind of jobs I would be interested in or what my next steps might be. You can try it too!

Knowing what you don’t want is essential:

Make another list, this time of things you definitely don’t want to do. This may seem negative, but it is actually essential to know. 

What is important to you?

What are your values, what is important to you, what are and aren’t you willing to give up? This is central for creating a lifestyle where you can live and work on your own terms, and something that came up in pretty much every narrative I collected for my opting out and in research.

Try something new:

Do something differently or try something new. Anything. If you never do anything differently nothing is ever going to be different. Take a course, learn a new skill, explore new things to figure out what you like, start taking a new route home from work, join a book club or some other endeavor where you can meet and talk to people… It’s hard to imagine things beyond what we know, beyond our current lifestyles and ways of working. Talking to others and getting new impressions is key to finding out what else is out there. And tell people you’re looking for new opportunities. Tell them you haven’t figured it out yet. You never know where it may lead.

Consider starting small:

You don’t have to take the leap right away. I know, once you’ve decided you no longer want to do what you’re doing, staying is hard and the lure of the clean slate is strong. But you don’t necessarily have to take a giant leap. You might want to stick around if you have a secure income and until you know what you want to do. You can start small on the side to see if it may be something you want to pursue or make a career of. Also, keep in mind, all hobbies are not meant to become work. Some things are nice to keep stress free and not be dependent on to make a living.

Don’t stress if it doesn’t go as planned:

…or if you change your mind. Sometimes we make choices we regret. But that doesn’t mean it was a failure or a waste of time. That is just life. Maybe the timing was off. Maybe the setup was wrong. Maybe you realized the grass really wasn’t greener on the other side. But you did something and learned important things about yourself. This is life, and with the risk of sounding cliché, it’s a journey not a destination.

This blog post is from a new book I’m working on: 12 Things to Consider When Opting Out

Have you just asked?

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When difficult things happen at work, or when work stops working, leaving will often feel easier that sticking around and working it out. I’ve seen this in my research, and other studies have found this too. Quitting can be easier than confronting an employer with whatever the problem is. 

In a lot of cases this is completely understandable. If you’ve been discriminated, for example, or unfairly treated somehow, it can be daunting and costly both to your health and to your wallet to go up against an organization. Removing yourself from the situation rather than staying and hitting your head against the wall may indeed feel like the only rational choice.

But sometimes it’s not that. Maybe you’re simply so fed up with working the way you do that you just feel like you need to leave. Or maybe the way or how much you work is unsustainable. Or maybe something is going on with your boss or a colleague that is just driving you up the wall. 

You’re reluctant to raise whatever the issue with your boss. Maybe you don’t want to seem like a trouble maker. Or maybe you don’t feel like it will do any good and you don’t want to burn any bridges. It feels hard to have that conversation and you’re so reluctant to do it that it just feels easier to find something else to do instead. 

But finding and starting a new job is generally no walk in the park either.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: leaving isn’t a quick fix. 

The Great Resignation is a term that was coined when the Covid-19 pandemic triggered people to think about what work was and wasn’t doing for them. People started opting out in numbers we had never before witnessed. This you’re probably familiar with. What you may be less familiar with is that there was a study done in 2022 by Workplace Insight that found that 43% if those who quit their jobs as a part of the Great Resignation wave, actually regretted their choices and felt that they would have been better off in their old jobs. 

The reasons were reportedly things like missing co-workers, familiarity, comfort, and salary. These results could of course be problematized further, which they aren’t to any greater degree in the report. For example, we often tend to look back on past experienced with rose-tinted glasses if our current situation isn’t great. So, we need to remember that there was a reason why they left: they weren’t happy with their situations regardless of whether or not they regretted their decision afterwards.

Either way, even though we can probably assume that about half of those asked were happy with the change, the 43% that regretted their decision should probably have had that difficult conversation with their employer.

Should you?

What would happen if you did have that conversation?

What I’ve found over the years when talking to people about opting out, is that there are a lot of people who actually do have that conversation and are surprised by the positive outcome. 

Managers don’t generally want people to leave; employee retention is important for many reasons. If a manager is aware that you’re thinking about leaving, they will most probably be interested in knowing what would make you want to stay. So, if you approach your employer not only with what the problem is but also with ideas of what would make everything better, you’d think that most managers will at least hear you out. 

Besides, another thing I have found in my research is that you really can opt out without actually leaving. No, I’m not talking about quiet quitting – the phenomenon where people scale down their work so that they don’t do more than they absolutely have to. 

No, what I’m talking about is a change of mindset. 

A woman I once interviewed did exactly this. She loved working for her employer, but the way she was working was just unsustainable. It was taking a toll on her health and it was also affecting her family. She realized that something had to give or she would not be able to continue working there. 

She tried having that conversation with her boss, but he just wasn’t receptive. He was probably overwhelmed too…

She finally decided her only option was to quit and that finally woke everyone up. They didn’t want her to leave so they listened to her suggestions and she was able to continue working for the same employer, but on her own terms. 

She did opt out – she opted out of a certain, expected way of working and pursuing a career – but she also stayed.

So, are you thinking about opting out? It might very well be the right decision for you. But if you’re not sure, and if there is a lot about your job that you do like, maybe you should think about whether or not there is something that would make you want or able to stay. And if there is, ask! After all, if you already have one foot out the door, you really have nothing to lose.

This blog post is from a new book I’m working on: 12 Things to Consider when Opting Out

It isn’t just you

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As some of you may know, I’ve started working on my fourth book (while still working on my third book, which I guess is typical of me but a gal’s got to do what a gal’s got to do….). I’m using the opting out blog to get it written and I’ve started publishing excerpts of each chapter every month. This month is chapter two. 

The funny thing – or maybe not so funny – is that I’ve been so frustrated lately. I decided several years ago that an academic career wasn’t for me. I felt that the age-old structures and practices that make up the academic world make it so frustrating to work there, that if I could, I would rather work elsewhere. I felt like I had choices, so I did. 

But then I got sucked back in. There is a lot that I really appreciate about work in the academic world – the intellectual freedom and challenge, my colleagues, my students, the space to write… But lately the structures and practices have really had me reeling. 

Like most people, I’ve been second guessing myself. I have seriously been wondering if there is something wrong with me since I can’t help but let the structural realities, that I really can’t do very much about, bother me so much. I’ve gone so far as to ask friends and family if they think there is something wrong with me since I get so worked up. I mean everyone else seems to be doing just fine, right?

Then I sat down to write my blog post and start the second chapter of my book. I went to check my table of contents to remind myself what the second chapter was going to be about. I opened the word document and there it was. It said, It isn’t just you.

The world works in funny ways and just as I was doubting myself, an earlier version of me told me exactly what I needed to hear. I chuckled and thought to myself that I really need to listen to myself more often. 

It’s true though. This is something I hear again and again and one of the main findings of my research. When people struggle, they will often wonder if it’s just them. And you know what, more often than not, it isn’t.

The feeling that something is detrimentally wrong or that you can’t do this anymore can be a very lonely feeling. Everyone around you seems to be doing just fine while you’re filled with self-doubt and anxiety. And herein lies a clue. Everyone else seems like they’re doing just fine, but looks can be deceiving. 

I’ll bet you seem like you’re doing just fine too!

One reason we know so little about how others are doing, is that most people don’t feel like they can tell others at work when they struggle. There is very little room and patience in a lot of organizational settings for weakness or failure, which is terrible really. It is only when we can show our vulnerability, be allowed to fail and learn from our mistakes that we can really do great things at work. Organizations talk so much about employees reaching their full potential, but ironically, in a culture where vulnerability is frowned upon, we fall short. Research has shown that psychological safety and the ability to really be oneself at work, is key when it comes to creativity, innovation and, yes, reaching one’s full potential. 

What it means is that in a culture where we don’t feel safe to be vulnerable, we are also generally not very outspoken about what is really going on with us because we don’t want to risk being conceived as a trouble maker, not good enough or not having what it takes. 

In my research I have found that this is especially true for women. In a world where gender inequality is still very much a thing, women generally have to work so hard and be so good in order to be able to compete for the same jobs as men. And if they have children, there is yet another dimension. 

Having children is often considered an asset for a man, something that develops him as a person and makes him a more responsible and reliable employee. For women, on the other hand, having children can be a career limiting move. When women have children, their dedication and priorities are often questioned. As a result, they may be discriminated or ’mommy-tracked’. That is why a lot of women avoid talking about their children or any issues they may have juggling children with a career, especially at work. Not talking about it means that they have no idea anyone else is going through anything similar, which, in turn, has them feeling very isolated in their struggles but also completely oblivious of the fact that they really aren’t alone. 

And if there is anything I have seen in my research, it is that we actually do share similar experiences and struggles. All of us, both men and women. A lot of the things that we struggle with are not, in fact, individual issues that can be solved alone, but structural ones (that cannot be solved individually but we are still expected to). 

Another reason people don’t air their frustrations may be that they don’t feel like they have a lot of choices. That is one reason why most people dream of opting out but don’t actually take the step: they have trouble even imagining an alternative to what they are doing now. And if they don’t feel like they have much choice, they are bound to keep their heads down and make the best of it. You simply do what you have to do to cope. After all, people don’t generally make drastic career decision unless pushed and they don’t opt out unless they feel like it is something they just have to do because they realize that the thought of staying is scarier that jumping into the unknown.

But regardless of what the reason is, if you feel frustrated, know that you are most probably not alone. 

If every atom in your being is telling you that something just isn’t right, then it probably isn’t, at least not for you.

And if you’re an employer, you need to make a point of talking to your people. Only if you know what is really going on, can you make it better. And don’t be afraid of opening a can of worms. Not knowing, and potentially having an explosive situation on your hands because your people are secretly frustrated, is much worse in the long run. 

Trust me.

This is an excerpt from a new book I’m working on: 12 Things to Consider when Opting Out

Opt out or lean in – is that really the question?

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Do you remember about 10 years ago when Sheryl Sandberg, who was the COO of Facebook at the time, published her book Lean In? I think it was, in part at least, a response to the debate on women opting out, especially to the voices that celebrated the women who left high-powered careers that they felt no longer worked for them. There were a lot of people who thought of opting out as an emancipatory act, while others were very critical of women leaving the careers and power positions that feminists had fought so hard for them to have. In her book, Sandberg called on women to lean in instead and make a difference, encouraging them to dream big and overcome obstacles in order to achieve their full potential. She felt that too many women weren’t doing this and she wanted to encourage women to take their rightful seat at the table. 

Sandberg did have many good points. Women do experience obstacles that prevent them from taking a seat at the table. However, due to issues of discrimination, many women can’t get a seat no matter how much they lean in. These are important issues that need to be discussed and I applaud Sandberg for championing women and encouraging them to succeed. 

But, as a result of the book, people starting thinking about opting out and leaning in as opposites. Maybe this isn’t so strange considering that the opting out debate, until I joined it, had solely been about women who leave high powered careers to become stay-at-home moms. People thought opting out was about leaving the paid work force altogether.

It is not.

What I have found in my research is that people with careers rarely opt out to stop working altogether. Opting out isn’t about dropping out. Nor is it necessarily about downshifting, quiet quitting or doing less. It can be, but mostly it’s not about the amount of work but rather having more control over when, how and when we work. It’s about choosing to leave a certain mainstream way of pursuing a career to work and live on different terms. 

People who opt out generally do so because they come to a point where they realize that they just can’t go on the way they have. Something happens that makes them see that the way they have been working just isn’t worth it and needs to stop. It can be health reasons, not being able to be there for loved ones, a clash of values at work, an identity crisis or anything really that provides a light-bulb moment that acts as a catalyst for change. It’s like the jolt that Anthony Klotz talks about in his book Jolted.

Contrary, however, to many of the types of jolts Klotz describes in his book, the people who opt out haven’t generally thought about doing it before they actually get that light-bulb moment. None of the people I have interviewed in my research dreamed about opting out nor did any of them plan to. They were all working on their careers in earnest when they realized that something had to give. In other words, they didn’t lack ambition nor the desire to have a meaningful job or career. 

Nevertheless, they opted out. 

Another thing that has been abundantly clear in my research is that not only isn’t opting out about people who don’t want to work or ‘lean in’, it really isn’t ’just’ a women’s issue either. Opting out is rather about our workplaces, our working cultures, and the expectations that we place on our employees, regardless of gender. Having said that, experiences of work are very gendered as we, in part, place different expectations on men and women. But opting out as a phenomenon is not limited to any one gender. 

Opting out is about people. It is about people who no longer want to or can work the way they have. It’s about leaving in order to create lifestyles and solutions of work that are sustainable and it’s about doing so on your own terms.

Opting out is about opting in to lifestyles and solutions for work where you have more control over where, when and how you work. It is also entails thinking about what is important to you and what you are and are not willing to give up.

In her book, Sandberg wrote, “I have written this book to encourage women to dream big, forge a path through the obstacles, and achieve their full potential.” And then later, “I hope they [my children] end up exactly where they want to be. And when they find where their true passion lies, I hope they both lean in – all the way.”

This really is not all that different from opting out and in. In fact, I would argue that this is what a lot of people who opt out and in do. They forge a path where they can finally work or live to their full potential without the constraints of a very rigid career ideal or model. 

So yes, you can both opt out and lean in. 

If you have opted out, or if you’re thinking about it, don’t listen to the people who tell you that you’re wasting your career. There are many ways to forge a career path. If there is one thing I have learned during my own career(s), it is that there are many ways to reach the same destination. You don’t have to tread the expected path. You can make your own way and create a path and a life that works for you. We are all different, why would we all want to do things in the same way?

So contrary to what many people would have you believe, opting out does not mean dropping out or giving up on yourself or your career. It might just turn out to be a very strategic career move. Only you can know.

So no, opting out or leaning in really isn’t the question.

This is an extract from a new book I’m working on: 12 Things to Consider when Opting Out

12 things to consider when opting out

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It was at least a couple of years ago, maybe more. I was on an island in the Finnish archipelago on my annual summer holiday. One night I woke up with a start. I had dreamed about my next book and, in my sleep, I had come up with the best title. But there I was, in the middle of the night. I didn’t have single thing handy to record this amazing idea. No pencil, no note pad, no phone… not even a crinkled tissue. And you know how it is, if you don’t write it down, by morning it will be gone. 

The title was 12 things to consider when opting out. 

Well, funnily enough, I managed to will myself to remember what I thought was a catchy title and I fell back asleep and actually continued dreaming about it for the rest of the night so that, come morning, I did actually get up and write it down. Needless to say, I wasn’t very well rested…

So, this has been a book that has been on my writing to do list ever since. It fit perfectly in my plan. For the past few years I have been turning my research on opting out and in into a series of books. My first book, Opting Out and In, is on women opting out and it takes a slightly broader societal look at the phenomenon. My second book, Men Do it Too, is on men opting out and it focuses more on work and careers. My third book, that I am working on as we speak, is about what organizations can and need to do to create workplaces that people won’t long to leave. 12 things to consider would be a perfect fourth. It would take an individual approach and be for people who dream of opting out, which, according to studies, has turned out to be most of us.

At the time of the dream, I was still working on my second book, so 12 things to consider simply had to get in line. But I was excited about it and I started jotting down ideas and came up with a preliminary table of contents. I mean, I didn’t even know if 12 was the right amount. Did I even have 12 things to say about the topic? And it turned out that I did. 

But like every creative, I get filled with doubt at times. It this this really what I should be focusing on? Is this any good? Do people even want to read this? (This is the reason my mantra is ‘keep going keep going keep going’. You just have to trust the process.) And as I’ve been working on the book for organizations, I’ve started to wonder, do I even want to write this book?

After all, I’m always telling everyone that I don’t really want to coach people in opting out, I want people to have working lives that they won’t constantly long to leave. Besides, those who do dream about opting out and would be the potential readers of my book, maybe they don’t want a well-researched book of all the rational things they need to think of before opting out. Because if faced with the sense of urgency that the situation leading to opting out can entail, you may not necessarily have the time nor the patience for a sensible book on opting out. You just want to do to it, you just need to do it because you know that you simply can’t work the way you have anymore. 

So, this has been my dilemma. 

Imagine my surprise when an editor I’ve been in touch with recently mentioned a book that was just about to be published at the time, which, based on the description, seemed to be a book on opting out from an individual perspective! I threw myself on my computer to preorder the book and by now it has been published and I have it in my hands. It’s a book titled Jolted: Why We Quit, When to Stay, and Why it Matters by Anthony Klotz, the very person who actually coined the expression ‘The Great Resignation’. 

You might think that I was bummed that Klotz seemed to have beat me to it, that is, written a book for people who dream about opting out. But you would be mistaken. My initial reaction was relief; I’m off the hook. I thought, ‘wow, I don’t have to worry about whether or not I want to write the book anymore.’ But to tell you the truth, now that I’m actually reading it, I realize it isn’t actually the book I was planning to write. It’s good, but different. So maybe I should just stick to my original plan. 

In the meantime, I thought I would share with you the table of contents I developed after the night of the dream. I’m playing with the idea of just going ahead and writing this book right here on my blog. Maybe my next post could be chapter one? What do you think?

Chapter One: Opt out or lean in – is that really the question?

Chapter Two: It isn’t just you

Chapter Three: Have you just asked?

Chapter Four: How do you figure out what you want to do?

Chapter Five: Not everyone will get it and that’s okay

Chapter Six: There are many roads to the same destination

Chapter Seven: What is success anyway?

Chapter Eight: What about your partner?

Chapter Nine: What will this mean financially?

Chapter Ten: Nothing is forever

Chapter Eleven: Creating sustainable solutions for work

Chapter Twelve: Being a part of the change

On working in places where practices go against your values, and deciding that you can’t

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People opt out for a number of reasons. Yes, the dream and pull of a new lifestyle that is more sustainable and where you can live and work on your own terms plays in. But truth be told, it is the push of a job that you no longer can or want to do, for whatever reason, that actually makes you take the step. 

In my research I have found that more often than not it is values, or the clash of values, that becomes the tipping point. It can be values regarding anything really, but I’ve found that it often has to do with the ethical treatment of others, both humans and non-humans. 

People come to a point when they realize that they just can’t stand for whatever it is their employer is doing. 

That was the case last time I left a job. Especially with the research I do and everything I stand for regarding sustainable work, ethical and respectful treatment of others, and wellbeing, I just couldn’t continue working for an organization that didn’t seem to care about any of that. 

I’m not going to get into the details right now because there are just too many for a blog post, but I had been mistreated myself and I saw how much suffering there was around me and I realized that if I accept this and just go on as if nothing had happened, it would be hypocritical. I can’t accept crap for myself that I tell others has no place in the organizational sphere. Or any sphere, really. 

So I left. And I’m no alone. A clash of values and a sense of disillusionment are reasons why many people leave. And the fact of the matter of is, values are important and they are just getting more so with every new generation that enters the work force. 

Research has shown that one thing that sets gen z workers apart from previous generations is that values play a much bigger role for them in relation to work and money. They generally want more than to just make money and also have higher expectations on their employers. They have sites where they compare notes and don’t want just any job, but one that is aligned with their values. 

Sometimes older generations will roll their eyes at this but I think they are right to expect more from their employers. I think one reason why so many work places are sites for so much suffering is that we haven’t expected enough. 

So don’t underestimate the importance of values.

Besides, research has also shown that ethical treatment of others – both those inside and outside the organization – is good for business. It’s good for the bottom line. But as I tell my students, using this as an argument to get organizations to act more ethically is really quite problematic. Because what if it turns out that it really isn’t a game changer? What if the bottom line is good enough without treating others well, is it still okay then not too?

If we all know something has got to give, then why is it so hard to change?

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All the years I’ve been researching, writing and talking about opting out and in, sustainable solutions for work and work place wellbeing, I’ve never come across anyone in the organizational world who doesn’t think all this is of the essence. I’ve been at it for a while now, and the whole time my work has been received as timely and important and with great interest. 

Still, even though there is a lot of consensus regarding this, people continue struggling with the same issues at work and more and more of them dream of opting out. 

Okay, before you say anything, I do know that not everything is the same. The pandemic showed us that we can change when we have to and there are a lot of organizations that now provide their employees with more flexibility regarding where, when and how they work. Also, some organizations have started prioritizing mental health more and now have routines and policies in place to support that. 

Nevertheless, there are a lot of organizations that don’t. Some may talk the talk but not walk it, and some – all too many – don’t even talk it. 

Why is this? Why is it so hard to change?

Well, one of the main problems is that the way we understand work; and what we know to be a ‘good’ way of working or organizing our work has become something of a truth. When things have been in a certain way for as long as we can remember, we tend to think that is the natural way for them to be and it becomes hard to even imagine doing things differently. It is simply the way things are done. 

But let me let you in on a secret. The way we understand work isn’t a truth. It isn’t a law of nature, it has been invented and implemented by us and not even that long ago. It’s actually quite a recent invention. 

The current career ideal was developed as a result of industrialization and the prosperity many nations experienced after World War II. Employees were expected to be loyal to one employer and career advancement involved an upward movement in the organization in a timely fashion, brought about by promotions. As mainly men started working in the industries, some argue that the career wasn’t created for one, but one and a half people: the man with the career and the wife who took care of everything he didn’t have time for because he was so tied up at work. 

Although a lot has changed in society since then, this is ironically still the career ideal today: the timely upward movement and the expectation of complete dedication and devotion to work. Anything else it considered suspect, at least if you want to advance to the upper echelons of corporate hierarchies. 

But guess what, we don’t have to organize work the way we do! There is nothing natural or predetermined about it. We can reinvent why we work, how we work and how much we work. 

The problem is just that in order to change we have to want to change. And not only that, we also have to realize that we need to change. We have to have that lightbulb moment. Until we do, and if it’s going well enough, it’ll just feel easier to continue the way we have.  

So how do we do that? How do we get people and organizations to see the light? Do we have to wait until things get so bad that there will be no choice but to change?  

The Great Resignation, Opting Out, The Quit, The Great Reshuffle, The Great Attrition… What’s really going on?!

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It’s all over the media:

The Great Resignation! No no, no one is calling it that anymore, it’s The Quit. The what? No, no one wants to quit altogether, people need to make a living. The Great Reshuffle is more accurate. Although since it is something that is happening to workers all over the world, maybe The Great Attrition is the thing?

…and on it goes. Meanwhile, I’m still talking about ‘opting out’. 

What really is going on? What’s what?

I’m going to let you in on a secret. It’s actually all the same thing.

I started researching opting out in 2009. Yes, it’s that long ago. When I started, it was a debate that had been going on for a few years already, ever since that by now famous New York Times article The Opt-Out Revolution was published in 2003. And the truth is, although people were talking about a revolution, it really wasn’t that revolutionary at all. People have opted out to work on their own terms long before we knew to call it opting out. What was different in 2003 was that they were thought to be doing it in larger numbers than before. 

No one really knew, though, exactly how large the numbers were. No one was measuring how many people actually were leaving their jobs or careers to work on different terms. There were numbers on how may left the workforce altogether, but as I already mentioned, people do need to work, so not surprisingly those number weren’t very high at all, nor were they on the rise. 

But then COVID hit and suddenly everything became extreme. 

Companies started doing things they thought were impossible. Governments and organizations started cooperating in ways they had never dreamed of. Restaurants and entertainers fell on really hard times – harder than most of us can imagine. People actually slowed down enough to smell the coffee, except for healthcare worker of course who became the temporary heroes of the world (I say temporary because let’s face it, we have really short memories and now that things are somewhat under control I think most people have gone back to taking them for granted).

Things became extreme and people in the US started quitting their jobs in never before seen numbers. Hashtags like #quittingmyjob or #antiwork started circulating on social media. Terms were coined left and right to describe what was happening (see my first paragraph) and people started to feel a pressing need to measure what was really going on. And presto, now we have numbers:

About 40% of people are considering quitting their jobs and up to 70% (depending on what study you read) are dreaming of doing so. In addition, over 50% of the work force is burned out. These number are shockingly high!

But when you scratch the surface, it turns out that it’s always about the same thing: It’s about people. It’s about stress. It’s about feelings of insecurity. It’s about not having control over your life. It’s about exhaustion. It’s about lacking a sense of meaning. It’s about feeling that something has got to give. 

And all this is hugely important regardless of what we call it. 

There have always been people who have opted out. That isn’t new. But what is different now is the sheer magnitude of it. Up to 70% percent dream of doing it!

So yes, something has got to give.

I’ve written a book on women opting out, and another on men, and now it is high time to focus on what organizations need to do. 70% is not sustainable, organizations need to act and they need to do it now. We need work places people don’t dream of leaving, we need organizational cultures that make people want to stay. 

With that, I’m starting to work on my next book. I’m going to revive this blog (yes, it’s been relatively quiet here lately) and I’m going to use it to explore and discuss issues and aspects of my book. 

I hope you will follow me on this journey. In the meantime, I would love to hear from you. If you work somewhere where they are doing things right (anything, big or small), or if your workplace is a place you don’t long to leave, please tell me about it. 

What are they doing right and why is it good? You can email me at theoptingoutblog@gmail.com

Calling all like-minded people!

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I haven’t opted out just once, I’ve done it twice. 

I first opted out of a career in consulting in 2009 to work on a PhD. And then I did it again sometime around 2017, when I realized that I didn’t want an academic career either, at least not the publish-or-perish-in-order-to-reach-full-professor kind. I didn’t leave the academic world, but I did step off the proverbial career ladder to do it on my own terms. 

I had a light-bulb moment when I was reworking a particular paper to be resubmitted to a journal for what felt like the millionth time. Several journals and even more reviewers had me and my cowriter jumping through hoops in what seemed like a never-ending loop of critical feedback, rewriting, rejection, resubmission… While the paper was undoubtedly getting better, much of the time it was also a question of nuances and reviewers’ preferences. And ironically, the actual research results remained the same no matter how many hours we spent revising. 

I realized I was working my butt off for the wrong audience (and not really having a very good time while I was at it). I came to academia from the business world and I have visions for what we need to do to make the world of work a better place for all of us. Reworking a paper ad absurdum and then to not even have it seen by people in the world that I want to impact, frankly just felt like a huge waste of time. 

It was then I realized that it just wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to continue doing research, but I wanted to do it on different terms, on my own terms. 

When I started talking about how I wanted to work, some of my former colleagues seemed genuinely worried. Although I’m touched by their concern, I think it was mostly because I was talking about doing things in a way that they didn’t understand. It seemed unheard of. If you haven’t moved between worlds and seen different ways of working and living, it’s hard to imagine doing things differently and going against the expected. I know it is. Banal as it may sound, it was for me too before I opted out that first time and realized that there are so many ways to live your life and make a living. 

Besides, one of the things I have learned over the years is that there are several paths that lead to the same result. We don’t all have to do things in the exact same way.

At the same time my art took off and before I knew it my professional life had warped into something very exciting and unique. It wasn’t planned, but I thankfully had the presence of mind to let it happen, maybe because I was feeling so frustrated with where I was and what I was doing (or rather how I was doing it). My art was a breath of air. What started as a side gig suddenly grew into a part-time job. 

Now I was not only doing research differently, I was combining it with painting, which must have made it all seem even weirder and harder to understand. I still get asked about what it is I really do. Some ask me if I’ve left the academic world altogether (no I haven’t) or if I’m working as an artist full time (no, not yet anyway, and I’m not even sure that I want to). When people ask me, ‘so do you paint or do research or what?’, I just say ‘yes, all of the above’. I guess it must seem like a whacky combination, even though it makes perfect sense to me. 

But it can also make things tricky. If what you’re doing is hard to define, marketing yourself and your products and services can be challenging. People feel comfortable with what they recognize, and a researcher-writer-storyteller-consultant-artist may be hard to, recognize that is.

And then there is the business of finding your group. We all need supportive people in our lives and having your own reference group, be it colleagues, collaborators, friends or networks, can really make all the difference. You need people who you can discuss ideas with. You need people who can give advice when you’re stuck. You need people who can cheer you on when the going gets tough. This is hard to do for someone who doesn’t understand what you’re doing, so friends and family who may be hugely important in your life and who mean well are not necessarily helpful in this respect. 

I do have people in my life who can cheer me on, but being a researcher-writer-storyteller-consultant-artist with my own business can also be lonely at times. I’m thinking there are probably a lot of us out there who could really use each other’s professional input and support. 

So, in an attempt to grow my own reference group, I’m calling all like-minded people. If you’re doing things on your own terms and could use a supportive group, let me know. Maybe we can set up an international group of so-called opt outers. Or if you’re in the Helsinki area, maybe we could have a group meet up at The Art Place. Coffee is on me! 

You can message me through one of my social media accounts or email me at theoptingoutblog@gmail.com

I look forward to hearing from you!

Learning about men and what they have to live up to

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When I set out to research men, I admittedly felt a little daunted by the task. I mean, would I as a woman be able to really understand what it means to be a man? Would I be able to give an accurate account of the opting out and in experiences of the men in my research project? This is something that gender scholars spend a lot of time thinking about. For example, how do I as a researcher affect the research and how does my position and perspective color the way I see the world? These are important things to reflect over. Although researchers strive to be as neutral as possible in the face of their task, we are all human and how we understand and interpret things are invariably affected by who we are.

Anyway, so when I embarked on my research project on men opting out, I set out with the intention of learning as much as I could about men and what it is like to be a man from as many sources as possible. I basically read everything about men that I could get my hands on, from research to fiction, hoping to become enlightened and better prepared for my task. I was expecting to learn a lot.

Well, the feeling of a new world opening up to me never really happened. It was almost a bit anticlimactic because I kept looking for that source that would provide me with some Earth-shattering insights, but it never came. I was starting to wonder whether I was missing something or just not seeing whatever must have been right in front of me all along. 

I mean as a sociologist and a person who has just always been interested in people and psychology in general, I already knew a lot about the societal expectations we place on men. I mean who hasn’t heard about what a ‘real’ man is and should or shouldn’t to. You know what I mean, things like men don’t cry, men shouldn’t show weakness, the strong silent type… But I thought there must be something more. 

Okay to be fair, I did learn a lot. For example, I did learn about social codes among men that I had no idea existed. That is, how men interact with each other. But on a whole, I have to say I was really struck by how stereotypical everything I was reading about really was. 

The social expectations on men are to this day really very one dimensional. Men are in a nutshell expected to be manly, strong, competitive, stoic, unafraid and definitely not show too much emotion or any weakness of any kind. The media depiction of men, whatever the genre, is also very stereotypical. It was actually quite disheartening to tell you the truth. The reason is that I know as a researcher who has interviewed men and as a person who knows men that these one-dimensional ideals of what a man should be don’t even nearly describe what real men in the real meaning of the word really are like. They are also difficult to live up to.

Men and women alike are multidimensional. We are all human, and part of being human is experiencing the whole range of emotions that are available to us. We are strong and we are weak, and we are all vulnerable at certain times in different ways. We all need love and closeness and we all have meaningful relationships we want to nurture. And we all cry. It’s part of being human.

The fact that men and boys are discouraged to partake in much of this saddens me. Researching men has taught me that social masculine ideals are very problematic in many ways as they foster violence on many levels in society (including in the home and at work) and have a negative and sometimes detrimental impact on men’s health. I put my hope in younger generations. Research has also taught me that, thankfully, there are a lot of young men who are breaking these unrealistic and unhealthy masculine norms.  

The truth is, that talking about the difference between men and women is actually not really very helpful at all. Even though there are biological differences, obviously, the actual differences in what we are like as people and what we need are really not that great. There are greater differences within the sexes than between the sexes. All men are certainly not alike, nor are all women, and thank goodness for that! So, the idea that all men should act in a certain way is simply ludicrous.

On that note, I have been going over the proofs for my book Men Do It Too: Opting Out and In this week. I don’t have an exact publication date yet, but it will be some time during the summer. In my book I write in-depth about all this, about men and the expectations placed on them; about how that plays out and the impact it has on their lives and life decisions; and what it is they want and need and how they go about creating meaningful lives. I will keep you posted!