Category Archives: Gender

What is attractive?

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Have you ever noticed how models on glossy pages of fashion magazines and clothing catalogs look at you with their mouths open? I’m not talking lips a tiny bit parted, I mean like really open. And it always makes me cringe a little bit because, to be honest, it really doesn’t make them look very intelligent.

I always think why do they do that? I supposed they, the photographer, the ad agency, whoever thinks that it makes them look attractive and sexy. It’s a bit wasted on me, however, because I think intelligence is much more attractive than gaping mouths.

Well of course this is no surprise. Women and girls are more often than not depicted sexually in the media. I read a very insightful book on the subject and it is actually a bit depressing reading. It also a very interesting read and definitely a book I recommend to anyone, but especially to those of you who have daughters: The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It by M. Gigi Durham.

In a nutshell, the book argues that media, television and film not only reflect existing social patterns but also shape culture which makes them very powerful, setting the standard for what women and girls should live up to. But not only does the media depict girls as sexual objects, the sexual ideal for girls is one lacking authority; that is girls are taught to be sexy, and to attract boys, but at the same time to resist boys’ advances rather than express their own desires. I quote, “These powerful narratives … are repeatedly circulated in various ways in our culture, to the point that they seem natural and not constructed by outside forces.”

But what’s scary is that the female and sexual ideal becomes younger and younger. Women are encouraged to wage a life-long battle against hair and strip their bodies of all hair, except what grows on their heads, making them look like prepubescent girls. Which really, if you think about it, is quite disturbing. (See my previous post ‘On ageing’ for more thoughts on the cultural contradictions of women, youth, and ageing.)

I remember reading a feature in a magazine once about a woman who followed her dream and became a professional gardener. She talked about how she was always awkward as a girl and didn’t really have any fashion sense. She was never popular and was uncomfortable at parties and in other social situations. However, after she found her passion – gardening, and apparently especially apples – she was surprised to realize that all of a sudden she was attracting so much male attention at parties when she would, cheeks blazing, launch into an animated conversation about apples. She realized that it didn’t matter that she wasn’t thin, she wasn’t wearing the most fashionable clothes, and that she didn’t have a swanky hairdo. She was attractive because she felt passionate and that made her interesting. It made people – both men and women – want to spend time with her.

Knowing this, it makes me a bit sad to know that so many girls and women worry about trying to live up to one-dimensional social ideals. And I have to say I agree with the gardener. Talking to people who are passionately interested in what they do is usually very engaging. Their energy is contagious and, unlike blank looks and gaping mouths in magazines, that is attractive.

On ageing

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This week I’ve been thinking about ageing. For the past few days my Facebook newsfeed has been filled with pictures of a young person who died of cancer in the very first days of the New Year. I didn’t know her personally, but many of my friends did.

I also read something quite wonderful. A friend of mine posted on Facebook, that she feels lucky to have the opportunity to age, as not everyone does. That wrinkles, grey hairs, aches, and pains are actually quite a luxury.

It’s interesting – or no, not interesting, it’s actually quite horrifying – the attitude we have towards ageing in Western society, and the obsession we have with youth.

In organizations today we see a lot of ageism. I often see research on top executives’ desperate attempts to stay young and virile, and to what ends they will go to do this. Everything from running up the stairs to the office on the 9th floor in order to give the right impression to actually getting major work done – I’m talking about plastic surgery.

In his book The Corrosion of Character, Richard Sennett writes, “For older workers, the prejudices against age send a powerful message: as a person’s experiences accumulates, it loses value.” In the current corporate climate, it is more about potential. What you have done is no longer important; it is what you will do next that counts.

A couple of years ago I read an article about a Finnish IT company that claimed to value elders and their experience, and hired a corporate granny. Granny came in a few times a week, made coffee, and was available to talk to, lending a sympathetic ear to stressed IT workers. According to the article, having a maternal type around did wonders for the atmosphere. As it happens, this granny was a recently retired career woman, but from the article I didn’t get the impression that she was expected to dish out business advice, she was rather valued for her warmth and her life wisdom. Which is great of course, but I’m sure she also had a lot of know-how, although her employers perhaps didn’t recognize that.

For women, ageism is especially pertinent. But not only that, this whole question of age, and what the right age to be is, is rather ironic. A woman is never the right age. Either she is too young and inexperienced, or she is in the childbearing risk group, or she is simply too old. When women get older and their faces and bodies finally show signs of experience and wisdom, they are pressured to do whatever necessary to look young and inexperienced. I find that quite ironic.

Manufacturers and advertisers are dependent on and target especially women and girls as consumers. Through advertising they create myths, images, and body ideals that are impossible to achieve, but that also ensure that women and girls will keep trying to achieve them, and will therefore keep buying their products.

In contrast to our cultural ideals, when I looked in the mirror this morning I felt quite happy about the wrinkles I have started to accumulate. My wrinkles speak of life and health and of the experiences I have had – both good and bad – that make me who I am. And, of course, of the years of experience I have as a professional.

What is it about mothers today?

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I remember being at a dinner party a few months ago and I was sitting with a group of women who were my mother’s age. We were talking about motherhood, work-life balance etc., when one woman wondered out loud why it is that women with young children complain so much now-a-days, why do they think their children are such a nuisance? She was wondering whether people who have grown up in the 70’s and 80’s aren’t used to working hard, if they just don’t love their children as much, or simply don’t like being parents as much anymore.

This is definitely not the case. It is not that mothers or parents don’t love their children as much as they used to, or that they aren’t prepared to work hard.  There is actually research that shows that parents today spend much more time than previous generations playing with their children. There is also research that shows that professional life is much tougher than it used to be and that people work longer days. It may be true that mothers today complain more than before. One reason may be that it is no longer taboo to talk about how hard being a mother really is, and that is a good thing. But there is more to it.

Women today, especially if they are juggling both a career and children, are drawn between the individualistic world of work on the one hand, and the self-sacrificing world of motherhood on the other. The irony here is that both worlds crave 100% dedication and devotion. At work, you are expected to be completely dedicated and available 24/7, and as a mother you are expected to be completely devoted. Simple math will tell you that two times 100% simply doesn’t work no matter how you look at it. But not only that, the past decades have witnessed a professionalization of motherhood where simply being a mother is no longer enough. In addition to being a mother, you’re supposed to also be your child’s nurse, nutritionist, personal trainer, coach, tutor, teacher, child psychologist…you name it. You’re supposed to be well read and if you don’t live up to it all (like making everything from scratch in order to protect your children from sugars and additives etc. while also holding down a fulltime job), all the recommendations and hype going around in the media and on the internet will certainly make you feel guilty, not to mention the pressure we get from each other.  (Have you ever thought about how you present yourself and your life on Facebook for example? There is material in that for a whole new blog post…)

However, women are not only pressured to be perfect mothers, we are also supposed to be perfect women and have perfect homes. I at least tend to get stressed by the lists of things you need to do that circulate. What you need to eat, and how much of it you need to eat every day; how much water and other fluids you need to drink everyday; what kind of exercise you should be doing and how, and how often you need to do that. And while you’re busy remembering all this, you need to take care of your body, make sure to wax and use the right cosmetics, not to mention your hair and nails. Is there enough time in the day to do all this? On top of all that, there needs to be time to work and to be a mother, not to mention a wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. And somehow I get the feeling that if we eat and drink everything we’re supposed to, and in the recommended amounts, we would end up over eating.

There is also a greater sense of risk in society today. Through media we can take part of all the catastrophes that take place in all the corners of the Earth and people perceive life as much more dangerous, especially for children, than it was say 30 years ago. We need to constantly protect our children from these dangers, which sometimes can be very stressful, not to mention tricky – like protecting children from seeing horrible things on the internet, or internet bullying.

And on top of that there is of course this whole hectic culture in which we live. The job market is insecure.  With all the restructuring and downsizing no one is safe. What you have accomplished does not really count anymore; you’re only as good as your next thing.

So maybe it’s no surprise that mothers have a lot to complain about. Being a mother in today’s society can really be quite overwhelming.

If you’re interested in reading more about the contradictions of motherhood, see:

Competing Devotions: Career and Family among Women Executives by Mary Blair-Loy (Harvard University Press)

The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood by Sharon Hays (Yale University Press)